For as long as I can remember I had made it my mission in life to be anything but who I am. I excelled at it, I would turn my life into a fairy tale because anything was better than the reality. Everything sounded better, my life felt more -lived-, it filled an emptiness inside me that is hard for people to understand. I suppose I craved those petty things like attention, appreciation, I craved being looked up to, I craved being desired, and needed. I would do anything to aquire these little nuggets of sustinence, even lie. Mostly lie.
For years I would pretend to be anyone but me, and in the end it cost me the only thing I really, truly cared about recievein. The only thing any of us really care about; Love. I wanted to be loved, and I was loved once. But through my deceit I lost that love and the wounds have never fully healed. My own personal and sad little tragedy, the first one I'd ever -actually- experienced and it utterly destroyed me. I deserved it, and for so long and to this day all that remains is the guilt of what I'd done, the pain I feel and had caused, and the loss of the most important thing in my life. But I deserve it. I have no delusions about that.
I have spent the last years reflecting and utterly hating myself, just praying for a sweet release from this pain. At my worst there are times where I feel I exist for only one reason; to suffer. To suffer for what I had done, and sometimes all I have left keeping me going is the knowledge that I have to attone for what I'd done and that means to keep on living. To remain on this pathetic journey of mine and hope that maybe sometime I'll find redemption, repentance. Sadly, I don't believe that is a gift I'll recieve before the end.
There are other days though, too.
There are days where stray thoughts manifest into more for me to live for. There are days where even if I will never find that redemption I seek, I can at least try my damndest to be a better person. I at least owe it to those who knew me before to be myself. I was never that different even with the lies, but at least this time I can say I'm an honest person despite having come to this too late.
Though not as traumatic as having lost that which I held most dear, another selfinflicted wound brought about by my sins was the loss of my artistery. I lost the will to write. The most important thing to me until that which I held most dear came into my life was my writing. My story. For the longest time I felt like I'd lost that too. If there were anything else that had kept me going all this time, it was the desire to see that through till the end. I -have- to get my spark back. If I don't I know I would surely die.
As you can see, I haven't yet. But god damn it, I'm going to try to force it back.
This is my reinvention. I am going to write Kadence's story, I'm going to write my novel. I'm going to tell the tales of the Kitsune. I am working on their culture, inventing their language. I am teaching myself how to draw because god damn it, this is all I have. This keeps me here, and nothing can take it away from me. The world, cultures, and people I invented will carry on. It's all I have left of my hope, it's all my heart has left to care for.
I have sworn to be honest to myself, and those around me. I will work to be a better person. I will write, draw, play, and sing my way into something to be proud of. Through these methods I will try to teach others to do the same. I don't know what else to do. I can't ever forgive myself because I know I will never be forgiven. I just have to -try- to be better. I want someone to not view me as a failure, and a liar, and worthless. I have to give these emotions I'd forgotten how to feel their own life on the page.
I know right now I'm not smart enough, strong enough, or good enough to even think I can accomplish these things. But I have to try. Maybe the more I learn, someday I will be. The people whose opinions of me matter most to me I know think I'm a piece of shit. I know they're right, too. I'm not trying to prove them wrong, I'm trying to change it. I'm trying to show myself it doesn't have to be the right opinion of me forever. I hope.
If I can't, I'll just die. It's easier I suppose. But, I'll try first.
I am Monue. It's who I am. I am not perfect, and I have a lot I regret and a lot to attone for, but I am going to try my best to be better. I write stories, and one of them is about a hero named Kadence. Some day, I hope you'll learn how you can be a better person from him the way he's helping me. More importantly, some day I hope You'll forgive me for who I was, and what I'd done. I'm sorry.