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About Literature / Hobbyist Premium Member MonueUnited States Recent Activity
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For as long as I can remember I had made it my mission in life to be anything but who I am. I excelled at it, I would turn my life into a fairy tale because anything was better than the reality. Everything sounded better, my life felt more -lived-, it filled an emptiness inside me that is hard for people to understand. I suppose I craved those petty things like attention, appreciation, I craved being looked up to, I craved being desired, and needed. I would do anything to aquire these little nuggets of sustinence, even lie. Mostly lie.

For years I would pretend to be anyone but me, and in the end it cost me the only thing I really, truly cared about recievein. The only thing any of us really care about; Love. I wanted to be loved, and I was loved once. But through my deceit I lost that love and the wounds have never fully healed. My own personal and sad little tragedy, the first one I'd ever -actually- experienced and it utterly destroyed me. I deserved it, and for so long and to this day all that remains is the guilt of what I'd done, the pain I feel and had caused, and the loss of the most important thing in my life. But I deserve it. I have no delusions about that.

I have spent the last years reflecting and utterly hating myself, just praying for a sweet release from this pain. At my worst there are times where I feel I exist for only one reason; to suffer. To suffer for what I had done, and sometimes all I have left keeping me going is the knowledge that I have to attone for what I'd done and that means to keep on living. To remain on this pathetic journey of mine and hope that maybe sometime I'll find redemption, repentance. Sadly, I don't believe that is a gift I'll recieve before the end.

There are other days though, too.

There are days where stray thoughts manifest into more for me to live for. There are days where even if I will never find that redemption I seek, I can at least try my damndest to be a better person. I at least owe it to those who knew me before to be myself. I was never that different even with the lies, but at least this time I can say I'm an honest person despite having come to this too late.

Though not as traumatic as having lost that which I held most dear, another selfinflicted wound brought about by my sins was the loss of my artistery. I lost the will to write. The most important thing to me until that which I held most dear came into my life was my writing. My story. For the longest time I felt like I'd lost that too. If there were anything else that had kept me going all this time, it was the desire to see that through till the end. I -have- to get my spark back. If I don't I know I would surely die.

As you can see, I haven't yet. But god damn it, I'm going to try to force it back.

This is my reinvention. I am going to write Kadence's story, I'm going to write my novel. I'm going to tell the tales of the Kitsune. I am working on their culture, inventing their language. I am teaching myself how to draw because god damn it, this is all I have. This keeps me here, and nothing can take it away from me. The world, cultures, and people I invented will carry on. It's all I have left of my hope, it's all my heart has left to care for.

I have sworn to be honest to myself, and those around me. I will work to be a better person. I will write, draw, play, and sing my way into something to be proud of. Through these methods I will try to teach others to do the same. I don't know what else to do. I can't ever forgive myself because I know I will never be forgiven. I just have to -try- to be better. I want someone to not view me as a failure, and a liar, and worthless. I have to give these emotions I'd forgotten how to feel their own life on the page.

I know right now I'm not smart enough, strong enough, or good enough to even think I can accomplish these things. But I have to try. Maybe the more I learn, someday I will be. The people whose opinions of me matter most to me I know think I'm a piece of shit. I know they're right, too. I'm not trying to prove them wrong, I'm trying to change it. I'm trying to show myself it doesn't have to be the right opinion of me forever. I hope.
If I can't, I'll just die. It's easier I suppose. But, I'll try first.

I am Monue. It's who I am. I am not perfect, and I have a lot I regret and a lot to attone for, but I am going to try my best to be better. I write stories, and one of them is about a hero named Kadence. Some day, I hope you'll learn how you can be a better person from him the way he's helping me. More importantly, some day I hope You'll forgive me for who I was, and what I'd done. I'm sorry.

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Monue

Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
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:iconastalo:
Astalo Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
Thanks for following my gallery.
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:iconmantathemisukitty:
MantaTheMisukitty Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
thanks for watching :3
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:iconmonue:
Monue Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
n3n You're welcome~
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:icondantes-x:
Dantes-X Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2011  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you very much for adding me to your watch list
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:iconevelar:
Evelar Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2011  Student Digital Artist
Thank you for watching! Much appreciated. ^_^
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CannibalKiss Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2011  Hobbyist
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:iconkuraikazekitsune:
KuraiKazeKitsune Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
>8V Looooves! I give et to joooo!! <3333
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Random223 Featured By Owner May 5, 2010  Hobbyist Interface Designer
Thanks for the watch. the new weapon shall be coming in this week, hope soon!
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:iconkuraikazekitsune:
KuraiKazeKitsune Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
O: OMG Liek am totally spammin yer comments, Thankies for the fav xD <3
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spikelover7 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2009  Hobbyist Photographer
wisconsin eh?
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